Some people just can’t handle the power of a really great hat. My ex-boyfriend was one of those people. You see, when I met him three years prior, I didn’t wear hats, ever. Then something glorious happened. Hats came back. It started with a black wool floppy hat. Then a brown bowler from Goorin Bros., a wide brimmed black fedora with Guatemalan trim from Forever21, and finally, my baby, the culprit, a men’s brown Country Gentleman acubra. This hat is everything. It makes me feel confident, stylish, powerful, basically just super cool. It’s a staple in my current wardrobe, from ice cave adventures to dance floors, people love it. I guess there’s something enticing about the mysterious woman underneath the large Gentleman’s hat.
The boyfriend was on board with the hats at first. He thought it was cool, cute, sexy. But as our relationship and his confidence waned, so did his support of my cranial accessory choices. One night out on the town, we end up getting in a fight, probably about another “I like your hat” pick-up line, or maybe it was my wandering off and chatting up strangers, either way, as per usual. Through the usual static of the same fight for the hundredth time, I hear, “Why don’t you just take your hat, and just go out by yourself!” So I said, “Fine, I will.” So I did. Now my hat and I are free to be together at last. We’re a team, just the two of us. But with the Country Gentleman, I’m free to be myself. In retrospect, the hat is so much more than just a beautiful headpiece, or one of the many canons that brought down my relationship. It’s a symbol of my autonomy, my independence, my womanhood, and my impeccable style of course. And if you can’t handle me with a hat, then honey, you can’t handle me at all.